My furfamily, Misty

Misty, this sweet kitty was our friend and neighbors kitty.

They moved and couldn’t take her with them, so I took her.

She was a love, sadly, I didn’t have her long. She had some sort of sinus issue, she couldn’t smell. I learned that one day when I was cleaning and she walked right up to a tub of ammonia, took a big whiff and walked away without even shaking her head.

One night, I heard some banging and clanging, not too unusual with 5 kitties in an apartment, but, sadly, I didn’t get up to check.

I found her the next morning paralyzed and in some sort of state. I took her to the ER, she crashed there. They said she’d gotten in to something toxic. I never found what it was. No plants were disturbed that I found and all of my cleaners were closed in kid/kitty proof cabinets.

My poor love, it broke my hear to lose her so soon and in such a bad way.

My furfamily, Whiskers

Whiskers: Here I was, in my apartment and I hear this wee baby “mew” from near by, out I go to find this tiny and I do mean TINY little long haired black kitty with blue eyes and a white bib and the longest white whiskers.

Of course I can’t leave her out there, she’s just a baby. In she came, she became my 4^th kitty.

Mind you, I’m a single mom and don’t know how I’ll afford 4 kitties, but, we’ll manage.

She was such a lover. Hungry little girl she was. I remember one day I had a burrito from Taco Bell and I set it on the coffee table and that tiny little thing grabbed it in her mouth and took off down the hall. LOL, it was bigger than her. She would go in my mouth after food.

She was so small she’d curl up in my shoes and fit all of her in there, she’d sleep in my clean crystal ash tray.

She LOVED the crinkle sound. I had a bowl of butterscotch candies I kept on the table and they were always missing. She’d steel them and play with them until she lost them, then come for another. When we played pictionary, we’d crumple the paper we were done drawing on and she’d come running out for the paper ball.

She was mama’s girl too, she slept on my pillow more often than not and had the BIGGEST PURR for such a wee kitty. She only topped out around 6 lbs. I’d had her for years when one of my friends saw her and asked me when I go the new kitten.

When I lived in Folsom with a roommate, we were moving back in to an apartment of our own, she’d disappeared. I called and called, I’d taken the last load down and all the kitties and no Whiskers. I made one last trip up to find her that night and was standing on the stairs inside calling her and calling her and she came FLYING in the front door, up the stair and airborne in to my arms. I’ll never forget that feeling, she was SO happy I had come back for her.

When she passed away, I’d feel her spirit come to me and it was that feeling, her flying in to my open arms and being hugged in to my heart.

Whiskers LOVED wet feet, she’d wait in the bathroom, preferably freshly showered wet feet, she’d rub all over and bite in a frenzy every time. Fresh from the spa was good too, but nothing was better than freshly showered wet feet and ankles.

She started getting funny in the head, we thought she was getting senile, even though she was only about 13, she eventually wouldn’t leave the bathroom of our bedroom, she’d still sleep with me, she was my girl. She didn’t like the other kitties anymore though and would spit at them and run and hide. We didn’ t know anything about hyperthyroid then. Not until Jackie’s kitty Haley was diagnosed with it did I learn that’s what took my sweet Whiskers from us. She was a light in my life.

My furfamily, Bear

Bear: In the apartments where I lived when my daughter Jackie was small, there was this sweet gray kitty, he seemed young, maybe 6 months to a year old. He met me at my door every day, I’d leave a bowl out for him.

My landlord tried to discourage me from feeding him as "he will never leave".

He was a talker, the kitty, not the landlord. He’d walk with me to the laundry room and talk the whole way, he’d walk with me to the mailboxes telling me his story. I suspect someone moved out and left him.

One day I opened the front door and he raced in between my feet and never left. I called him Smokey. He was gray and I wasn’t real good at coming up with names.

Smokey morphed in to Smokey Bear because he was such a lover, a teddy bear, then he just became Bear. He was the sweetest boy. He was mama’s kitty. He talked for years, then he just stopped. I suppose he ran out of story to tell me. He was always near me or on me.

When we lived in a house, he would wander off, never far, I’d call and within a couple of minutes he was home. He was getting tubbier and tubbier until one day he jumped off of the hood of my Honda with an audible “oof” and I decided to put a collar on him, sure he was being fed somewhere else too. After the collar went on, he started hanging out at home more and lost weight.

My Bear always slept on my shoulder at night, I’d roll over and he’d climb right back on or roll me like a log. He was my love, my light for 20 years. We lost our precious Bear to kidney failure. I still feel him come sleep on my shoulder and Oscar, who sleeps on my hip will scoot down and make room when I feel Bear come visit me.

My furfamily, Tony

Tony, my sweet big boy. He got so tubby, what a handsome big boy he was.

Both he and Cleo were Tuxedo kitties. He more white than her.

Tony was aloof, he didn’t sleep with me often or sit on my lap often, but when he did it was very special.

He was very protective over his family though. He and Cleo both would stand up and put their front paws on the edge of the bassinett when both girls were little and check on the baby. If the baby was stirring and I wasn’t in the room, he’d come get me and tell me “she’s up”.

One day, my sweet guy plopped himself down on the window sill, the window was open and the screen popped out. We were on the second floor. Scared me to bits. He landed on his feet, still as could be. I was so worried, but he was ok.

Another time a babysitter let him out. Tony and Cleo were apartment kitties, they didn’t go outside. Oh my goodness, I was devastated. He was gone for days. We looked and walked everywhere, calling, blocks around. Couldn’t find him. It was summer, I’d leave the front door opne during the day in case he came home. Cleo wouldn’t leave the apartment but for once she heard a “mow” that might be Tony and she ran out, down the stairs, around the corner and got scared. There was no Tony, but I was right behind her so she was safely back in her apartment quickly. I slept with the window open on the sofa and one night, late, I heard his familiar “mow”. I went tearing outside and there he was on the wrong stairwell calling to me. He was smelly and sticky and messy and sore and ever so glad to be home. I have no idea where he’d been or what happened to him, but he never strayed far again.

Poor baby had bladder crystals, I had no idea that was even possible then. I’d seen him in the boxes a lot, but didn’t realize he wasn’t going. Then one Saturday afternoon he flopped down in front of me and I realized he looked bigger than he should and his white fur was yellow, like urine. Off to the ER he went, me with no money, but $1200 or so later, he was home and fine. I’m so thankful he was healed and I got so many more years with him.

He got so old, blind and skinny, but one day he heard his girl crying out front, she’d fallen off of her bike and he, Tony, blind as a bat, made his way out front to check on her. He lived a long happy 18 years with us, we lost our sweet boy to kidney failure.

Like Cleo, sweet Tony is in my heart and thoughts still.

My furfamily, Cleo

Since losing 2 of my loved ones this month, I've decided to write a memory book kind of thing on each of my furkids. This way I can keep it forever, and add to it as new memories are created and new family members come to share their lives with us. This is all for my benefit, but if you would like to read, feel free.

My first kitty of my adult life was Cleo.

Cleo: I was 16 and newly married and pregnant. I found the apartment to be SO empty and couldn’t quite place why, then I realized… NO animals. So, off I went in search of a free kitten. I found a sign in front of a house and they had 2 kitties left. I took the girl, then felt SO bad about separating brother and sister I went back the next day and got the boy.

I was trying to find names that went together and my Grandma said “Anthony and Cleopatra” hence, Cleo and Tony.

Now, when I took her, they’d been romping and playing and having a grand ol’ time. I would have thought they’d missed each other terrible the one night they were apart. When I got Tony home the next day Cleo spat at him and was miffed to have to share HER home. They warmed up quickly though and soon became a pair of demolition kittens.

Cleo was so in love with me, bless her soul, she wouldn’t be in a room if I wasn’t in it. If I went to the bathroom in the night, she came too. That’s when she’d use her litter box, when I went.

She would pounce me and sit on me and relentlessly lick me. I thought she wanted the salt from my skin, but it was just a nervous habit, she did it all her life. If I tried to take my arm or hand from her, she’d grab on tight, sit on it and lick. She did it to Ian too for years.

She was my baby girl for 18 years. I lost my sweet girl to cancer in the mouth. We had to put her to sleep when she could no longer eat and drink. I still think of her often.

When we lose someone we love

My sweetie Maggie Mae. What a lovely girl she was. Maine Coon we think.

She was adopted from a PetsMart adoption center for my Grandma. She was so loving, she sat on grandma's recliner above her head most of the time. She took good care of Grandma.

When I'd come to visit, she always got so excited and wanted to sit in my lap. That sweet girl was usually in my lap before I sat down.

When Grandma broke her hip, she went to a care home and Maggie came to live with us and our 8 other kitties.

Now Maggie, she'd rather bean only kitty. She liked being the main attraction. More so, she liked other kitties to leave her be.

She got in to a scuffle with a wee baby Jasper when they first came home, Jasper came out the worse for it, but for some reason, from that moment on, she was his idol, his love. He ADORED her.

Every night, we do canned kitty food for all, he's run back and forth from the kitchen to Maggie as if to say "come on, it's treat time" "I don't want you to miss out."

He will certainly miss her most of all the other kitties. She was his girl.

She was sure my girl. On my lap often when I'd sit to watch TV. Always with a blanket of pillow under her.

When I was recovering from surgery a few years back, she never left my lap. I had to use a big heavy pillow over my incision and she was always on that pillow taking care of her mama.

Bless her sweet soul. May you be at peace Maggie, be with Grandma, know that you are very very loved and missed and we will be together again.

I've been reading the China Study. So far, and I've only finished 3 chapters, it's amazing. Given my family history of cancer and the years of studies they've done in this book, I can say, "you betcha, I'm glad to be a vegetarian."

I do find it amusing though, now, being on the other side of the "new vegetarian" that everyone is in a scramble to find meat replacements.

Don't get me wrong, I use them and quite like most of them. But finally I've learned that meat isn't" what's for dinner". I can cook with or without replacements.

I LOVE my lentil stew, love my chili, my Quinoa and black bean salad. Beans and grains, nuts and seeds, fruits and veggies really do have all the protein we 'need'. (plus all the other good stuff meat doesn't have).

I hope this revelation will cause a shift in our way of thinking as a nation. Maybe now we can stop that disgusting factory farming. There will always be the die hard meat eaters, those that think there is no other way to live. Those that believe that vegetarians must be crazy or weak folks. That's ok, if the demand for meat lessens, the atrocities that happen in these factories will no longer be a necessity to meet the demand.

But, I digress.

I am just very glad I did all the research I did years ago, glad most of my family followed suit as they learned what I learned, and glad that we are all much healthier for it.

Working with the public

I tend to be a hermit, well, if I were wealthy I guess I'd be a recluse. I don't care for "the public" as a rule, and yet... that's where I work. Odd.

There's plenty of press on the H1N1 virus, "it's SO contagious, don't leave your house if you have it, wear a mask in public..." Today, this lady comes in to our store looking all weepy eyed, obviously feels like crap and says to me: "what do I need to take if I think I have the H1N1?" WTF? I am sorry, truly sorry that she felt so bad, but WHY are you out in public spreading it around?

Our sweet cashier had it, it took this healthy active young woman down and out for a month. I mean DOWN, poor thing. She isolated herself and tried so hard to make sure no one else got it, and here comes some lady with no regard not only for her own recovery (should be in bed resting) but no regard for the health or safety of others.

Grrrr.

Kids are in our store and old folks ALL THE TIME. Folks that may have weakened immune systems.

I say again, GRRRR.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've posted a blog, or anything for that matter.

Here I sit, noon on my day off, having done my yoga and workout to the point of all body shakes. (note to self) need to eat protein earlier in the day...

I'm reading a blog or two, enjoying the stories and writing styles. Makes me think I ought to add something to mine.

This is a time of year for reflection for me. My birthday is coming, another year older. Beats the alternative, I know... but I'm feeling it.

In my reflections I realize I am a lucky woman. I love my life. I have the best husband in the world. I have the company and even love of 10 furry babies, who could ask for more?

This empty nest thing is rather nice. I do enjoy the quiet, even if, once in a while, I get the notion that I'd like another child in the house, one who might be appreciative for all we have to give. I soon come to my senses and realize I love the peace we have now. No nasty teenagers, no unruly wired bouncy children. LOL. I like quiet.

I am getting back in to yoga and really enjoying the way it makes me feel.

I'm lucky enough not to have any major health issues. I'm lucky that I discovered natural foods, organic, vegetarian lifestyle, that I've learned so much about natural medicines, cleaners and such. I've detoxified our lives boundlessly. We feel SO much better than the days of fast food dinner days.

I've had a lot of time over the last few years to make great improvements in my life and I hope for those around me as well.

I am truly blessed.

Wonderful, peaceful, restful day in nature

How I love Fallen Leaf Lake in Tahoe, CA. The weather was perfect, warm, but not too warm, not windy. LOVELY scenery.

Sweet Purdy, she really doesn't like water, but what she does enjoy are chipmunks... oh boy are they fun to watch. AND she can sit with her back to the water and pretend it's not there.



Pongo, he doesn't mind a bit. He likes to bark at people and other dogs, well, mostly other dogs. They, after all, should not be on his portion of the beach.



All in all, it's such a nice day to take up a picnic lunch and think of nothing, do nothing, no phones, no stress. I'd go back tomorrow if I could.

My sweet husband likes this day trip for his birthday each summer, it's such a great day for all of us.

As Tuesday is my darling husband's birthday, we're making our almost annual trip to Fallen Leaf Lake near South shore Lake Tahoe. It's LOVELY up there and a great day for us to hang out in a place of natural beauty and just enjoy.



Pups are going too. Much to Purdy's dismay. She's not a fan of water in general, but the kind that makes noisy wave crashing type sounds, not her favorite.



Pongo, he's happy anywhere, as long as he's with his people. He'll guard his square of beach and likely the neighbors as well, alerting us all to any dogs who may stray in to the area.

My own struggles

My daughter is a sociopath

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? Of this I have little doubt. I say ‘little’ because I always hope that maybe, just maybe, just because she fits every single description of a sociopath she’s not really one. Maybe, just maybe she’ll grow one day and this will all be a distant nightmare.

I know, I know… if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… it’s probably a duck. Sigh.

So, I find I’m going through the grieving process. Step by step.

1. Denial and Isolation.

I’ve been here for a while. I still come back here every so often. I go ‘round and ‘round. What if she’s not really a sociopath, what if she just makes really bad choices? Oh wait, that’s part of it, isn’t it? I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone about it really, I don’t want to drag anyone down, no one knows what to say to me anyway, it’s very much like a death, no one really has words of comfort or wisdom that can help. Not that they don’t want to… well, you know. We all want to help, just don’t know how.

2. Anger.

‘Oh boy have I been angry. Angry at her, angry at her sperm donor father who is also one (so I learn too late) as is his brother. Genetic? You think? Sigh. Yes it is. I’m angry at her for not overcoming it with all the love and support and sacrifice we made for her. I’m angry because all we’ve done, and we’ve tried everything, nothing helped. I’m angry because I am responsible for loosing her on an unsuspecting world and I can’t fix it. I’m angry because I made her with a sociopath.

Granted. If you do any research on sociopaths, they are very common and normal people wouldn’t spot one until after you’ve been heartbroken and left penniless. Then comes the ‘aha’ moment. Too late. I still blame myself.

3. Bargaining.

Here too, have I spent some time. More in the idea that what if we do this, or try this, will that make her better? I know there’s nothing left, we have quite literally tried everything. She is who and what she is. We have no more power to stop her.

4. Depression.

Such depression. Again with the isolation. I find I don’t really want to talk to anyone. No one can possible understand how I feel or help. Here is where I seem to be most often now. Although, just when I think I’m not angry anymore, she calls and OH BOY, nope, I’m still angry. I don’t know how to accept that my child is a danger to society and to herself. That she has no emotion, she hasn’t the ability to love. She has no empathy. She’s selfish and manipulative and I can’t stop her. Therapy doesn’t help them. No known drugs can help them. They are actually hard wired differently than we are. The only advice I can find is “get them completely out of your life” Well, that’s rough to do, when it’s your very own child. Even though I know that’s what it’ll come to someday.

5. Acceptance.

I long for this and dread this at the same time. Once I accept it as no longer my responsibility, I’ll have no choice than to let go of her completely and move forward. I dread it because that will admit that my daughter is dead, the daughter I thought I had, the daughter I hoped I had. She doesn’t exist, never has. It is very much like a death. I don’t know that it’s possible for me to get here. At the same time, I can’t seem to live my life until I do get here.

The latest in the tragedy that is my daughter

I just don’t know. Honestly… Who my daughter is, where did she come from.

Sadly, that’s not true, I do know… genetically, she’s like her bio-father and his family. They are all off their nuts, and so is she.

She was raised here with my loving husband, me, and her sister … in a stable loving home, every opportunity handed to her on a silver platter, well, mostly. There were catches of course. She had to work, get good grades, go to school, not sleep around, not do drugs and booze, not party 'til she got arrested, not lie, not sneak around… you know, the prison that we were.

So, now I learn, my lovely daughter in her infinite wisdom, has not only found a “hellagood job” in which some stranger she found on Craig’s list who lives in England now wants her to care for his elderly Alzheimer dad when they move here, but he’s going to send her $3650 now, and she wont even have to start until August.

Hmmm, scam you say?

Yes, just like the other 2 she fell for, when she became a “secret shopper” in which they mail her a cashiers check for $4000 and all she has to do is cash it and quickly (you know, before they verify that it’s not a real check) wire the money elsewhere, but the upside is she gets to keep a few hundred for herself.

Scam you say?… hmmmm.

I’ve known for ages, she’s been lying, sneaking around, screwing with guys… and I don’t mean dinner and a movie dating. That’s all a big part of why we asked her to leave. If that’s the life she wants, we weren’t going to support her while she did it.

Now I learn, she’s living with some 30 year old guy with his daughter and also with his friend in another house, having sex with both men and she has a home. Ahhh, every parent’s proud moment, yes?

I know, my amatuer psychology, I diagnosed her as “antisocial personality disorder and bi-polar” they used to call these sociopaths and manic depressives. There are a handful in the field that give her the same diagnosis, just nothing official.

She’s been like this for years. We’ve tried to get her help, she refuses.

Now what?

So, this is a life she’s chosen. Well, in her foggy brain, this is the best she wants to do. She quit her 4 hour a week job. To be fair, they were about to fire her. She can’t seem to land a job even at Subway. She would rather sleep with old men for a home than work for it. She’s made that abundantly clear. She even says straight out, there’s a benefit, she doesn’t have to DO anything. No work. Effort is too much, well, effort.

My husband and I are both at a loss. Our hearts are broken. We want to do something, but really, what is there to do? Drag her out by her hair and lock her up here as a prisoner? She’s an “adult” they’d arrest us. We can’t commit her, there’s no where to commit her, although I am quite sure that’s what she needs.

There are people like this; I’ve heard about them, heck even met a few. Bums, whoring for whatever, a place to crash, for a meal, for a drug fix… I’m stunned to learn that my daughter is one of them.

A few more pictures

Pictures really don't do it justice, but here they are...

On a brighter note

Last week I had a lovely visit with one of my bestest friends. She'd not been to California before so we saw some sights.

We went to Calaveras Big Trees, we went to Stinson Beach and Muir Beach, we went to Lake Tahoe and Fallen Leaf Lake.

At Calaveras, I took some pictures of some lovely Lilac bushes, in honor of my friend Janet. I hope my post comes through ok here.

Sad that all my blogs are frustration

But, here we go. This ought to be for the last time though. My friends know too well the saga that is my 19 year old daughter. Most of the history is here on this blog.
We let her stay here in our home under a few reasonable conditions.
1. get a damn job.
2. keep a damn job.
3. spend all day every day looking for a damn job if you don't have one or two even.
4. no more boyfriend, he's an enabler and she's a manipulator, they are bad bad bad for each other. His parents were very happy when we told them that one of our conditions was that she not see him anymore.
5. no more lies.
6. keep your room and bathroom clean.
7. pitch in around the house, we aren't your servants.
8. no more lies.
9. make money and save it to pay off the crazy high debt accumulated in the 41/2 months of living footloose and fancy free.
10. no more junk food. It makes her mood swings BAD.

Seems reasonable? Yes?

So, Saturday we find she's squirreled away some cash from a babysitting gig, and / or seen said boyfriend over the last 2 weeks and her car is filled with fast food remnants, soda bottles, soda cups, crap. Her room has some too. We had a very serious blow out. Told her her lies will catch up to her sooner or later, it has to happen, always does.

Today, I get a call from said boyfriends dad and he's just kicked her out of his house and out of his sons bed.

Uh huh. Not 10 hours after an act of "I'm sorry for all the crap" "I am thankful you took me back and gave me another chance".

No more. She's made her choices. She's an "adult" so she's out. I had made it clear over and over there would be no 3rd chance. If she blew this one all to hell, that's it. KABOOM.

I do worry for her safety, she has no where to go, that I know of. She may find some friends sofa to lay about on for a day or 3, but no one will put up with that for long I'm sure.

Do I sound harsh? I'm very angry. I will miss my child, I will worry for her safety every day. But, I will not put up with a liar, a thief and a cheat taking advantage anymore. Especially after she's told all of us, every family member to F*** off.

Sad day. For all of us. It's been sad and hard for a long time. But it is sad that it's come to this.

Don't let the outside influence the inside

I’m noticing that I am focusing on the negative and feeding my anger. I so don’t want to be a dupe. I think my daughter (A)is getting better, a bit, the supplements I’m giving her seem to be helping, the attitude seems better, she’s sleeping better some nights. That’ll help a lot.

I know that’s only part of the solution, I know that therapy is key and no pill can fix her, it can only help her fix herself.

I guess, I just don’t see the real desire to in her to fix her. She still feels there’s nothing wrong with taking advantage of others. She still doesn’t seem to me to be putting all the effort in to getting jobs that I would be if it were me.

She disappears, I *know* in my heart she’s off seeing BF (M), who she’s not allowed to see while she lives here. She’s allowed to talk to him, not see him. I can’t prove it. So, what do I do?

She tells me that "M thinks he can put me on his vision and dental insurance”. Again, let’s use someone else rather than get my own. I told her last night, “how about you get a job and get your own?” she just mumbles “yeah”.

Her history is so angry, violent and filled with lies, and I know still most of what she speaks now are lies, how am I supposed to just trust that she’s out there job hunting and not screwing off and seeing Mand taking advantage of us?

My husband (I) is so good, he knows, and he’s right. That until she proves herself unworthy, we have to just trust that she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing, even if it’s not to our expectations.

We can’t follow her every day. We can’t prove she’s up to no good. Can’t prove she’s lying. She is job hunting, just not with the vigor that I think she should be. She does do a little around here, certainly not to my expectations.

I am basing this all on what I think I would do in this situation. Granted, I don’t have the supposed mental illness she has.

I say supposed, because I have seen her pick herself up and do a damn good job from time to time, so I know she’s capable. That brings me to: yes, I know she has difficulties, but I know it’s a choice. She CAN overcome her difficulties if she wants to.

She did sum it all up when she was 13. She did really well one quarter in school, all A’s and B’s. The next quarter was right back to D’s and F’s. I asked her “what the hell?” (not really in those words, same gist) and she said “I tried working hard,I didn’t like it and it wasn’t worth it” Well, there you go then.

Now I find myself fighting my own depression, my own anger. Trying not to let the outside influence the inside of who I am.

Dilemma…

My older daughter is all about labels and qualifications. She loves loves loves college and her college friends. She’s of the mindset that if you’ve gone to college, you know it all, hence… her Master’s and desire to go on to PHD.

Anyway, that’s another story.

Older daughter has a friend who is “qualified” and said younger daughter, (source of most of our drama) was as a child was O.D.D. (Oppositional defiant disorder )this I knew, I figured that out years ago.

ODD kids eventually progress to either Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) or Conduct Disorder. But first and formost, she’s depressed. Gee, I’ve been saying she’s a manic depressive for years too.

She fits Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) to a “T” Every single one.

Characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder may include:^{[citation needed]}

1.

1. Persistent lying or stealing

2. Superficial charm^[4][5]

3. Apparent lack of remorse^[4] or empathy; inability to care about hurting others

4. Inability to keep jobs or stay in school^[4]

5. Impulsivity and/or recklessness^[4]

6. Lack of realistic, long-term goals — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals

7. Inability to make or keep friends, or maintain relationships such as marriage

8. Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper

9. Narcissism, elevated self-appraisal or a sense of extreme entitlement

10. A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria)

11. A history of childhood conduct disorders

12. Recurring difficulties with the law

13. Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others

14. Substance abuse

15. Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights

16. Inability to tolerate boredom

17. Disregard for the safety of self or others

18. People with a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder often experience difficulties with authority figures.

So what? We have a label? Now what? I’ve tried for years to get her to take supplements and diet changes and exercise and therapy for her manic depression or bi-polar as it’s called now. No go, she WONT do it.

I talked with her again last night. She says she’ll take what I give her, will she? Not likely. I made the mistake the last 2 days of giving her the supplements and letting her go take them out of my sight. It occurs to me this morning that she used to just toss them in the trash. For all I know she’s saying she’ll take them and flushing them. Ok, so now I have to treat her like a mental patient and make her take them in front of me and show me she swallowed them?

She still has no job and I really don’t think she’s seriously looking for one. (note #4 and #6) Even though we gave her a deadline of Friday to get one or she’s out.

So, our dilemma now is: is she mentally handicapped? Are we responsible for her forever? So we have a label… if she won’t help herself, do we support her and let her be a lay-about all her life? If we tell her there’s a disorder with her name on it, she’ll use it as an excuse.

Do we kick her butt out and hope it forces her to make responsible moves? Knowing that’s not likely?

We’ve told her that if she stays here, she #1, has to have 40 hours a week of paid work. In a couple of months after taking the supplements I give her faithfully, she has to get therapy WHILE paying back EVERY penny she owes and working to clean up the disaster she’s made of her credit.

The other dilemma is: “or what”? So, if she doesn’t get 40 hours a week – what? If she doesn’t take the supplements – what? If she refuses therapy – what?

Such a quandary.

note to JC and MORE debt

Funny you should say that JC. That’s exactly what we’ve done. Cancelled her cell phone, took her credit card (maxed anyway) and her ATM card and her checkbook away. Ian is drawing up a contract for her to sign.

Sadly, we've done ALL of this before. It didn't work then, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

She DOES know these things, she didn’t file taxes either! She KNOWS it’s illegal, it doesn’t even register that jail is a possibility. I can’t even come up with a word that fits what I feel!

Oh, AND.. the apartments sent the bill, well, the lawyers did. She owes for the whole year rent lease they signed. If they can rent the apartment, that’ll negate those months, but if they don’t she and her roommate (who wont pay a dime) owe… are you ready? $9,000. ...

On top of the $3000 she already owes.

Best of luck with your daughter JC. I hope she’s NICE this time and if she’s not changed, she’ll fake it.

Flaberghasted

It's truly unbelievable. You can't make this shit up.

So, teenager ball of anger, moves back in, you all know the story... flat broke, in debt up to her eyeballs...

She never ONCE paid her electricity bill...

one of the conditions of coming back was that she spends NO money, zero, not one penny. She had only enough from her las paycheck to pay her next insurance for her car and her cell phone bill...

Last night, my darling husband logs on to her account, to check the balance and she's spent $35 at Red Robin, $25 at Safeway (grocery store) and another couple bucks on a bottle of water when she was out and about because she couldn't be bothered to TAKE water with her, as we ALWAYS do in this house.

AND... she's wasted a tank of gas in 3 days for just screwing off.

Now, I was ready, then and there to boot her out. I'm done. We've been down this road OVER AND OVER again. DH, softy that he is, is willing to lay down the law, be the warden, take her phone, cards, checkbook away from her and tell her no more boyfriend.

Since she CAN be responsible, we've seen her, just not if there's a boy withing 20 feet of her.

HOLY SHIT.

I'm beyond the end of my wits. What in heaven's name made me think she'd come by a clue in the last 4 1/2 months?

We went to the Peace Corp recruitment meeting last night. VERY interesting. I was so hoping my daughter who really needs a life changing experience could / would join...

They wouldn’t take her… you haveto WANT to go, be willing, ready and able to off something other countries want and most of the assignments require a 4 year degree or similar work experience. She’s nowhere near ready for that.

Too bad, it would be life changing!

When my dear husband and I have no more animals and can manage a way to pay the mortgage... I'd seriously consider doing this. It's FANTASTIC. What an experience that would be.

Busy weekend

All in all, not a bad weekend.

We went to a Cinco de Mayo party on Nueve de Mayo. Fun day!

Mother's day was quiet at home. Odd, the only mother's day card I got was from MY mother. Who'da thunk?

To be fair, my older daughter did order me an adoption of an elephant family through defenders of wildlife and had it sent to my house. As far as gifts go, that's a good one.

My hubby and I hung out at home, doing chores, planting the plants we got from the native plant sale. Watched some TV and took a nap... well, *I* took a nap.

Younger daughter... I don't know. Today, I saw a glimmer of 'maybe she is beginning to get a little bit'? we'll see. She did take on some chores without being told, that's a first since she's been back.

Here's hoping she's really applying for jobs like she says she is and gets one or two here VERY soon!

and yet again...

What do you know? Turns out that when you get a new job and you have been there only 2 weeks, it's not wise to call in sick for the whole third week of your employment. Now, her 10 hour a week job is a 0 hour a week job.
Hmph.

More on the same

She proclaims herself "fiery and independent" and angrily asks me, "can you accept that that's who I am?"

Then, after all of this, she's 'home', really just to mooch. She lays in the sun for 6 hours yesterday while filling out applications and is surprisingly today, burned and not feeling well enough to go apply for jobs. Oh, and... "I think I have a cold too". hmmmm.

I have to be the bitch again, as usual. I tell her, "this is life, this is reality, your reality is that you have to have a job, maybe 2 or 3 to get yourself where you need to be, you need to go in bright eyed and bushy tailed even if you're faking it."

This is very typical. When there's work involved, mind you she's spent not even 1 full day looking for jobs, out come the physical ailments. The wrist and ankle braces, the pinched nerves, the crutches have even been broken out in hopes of sympathy and being told, "don't you worry honey, someone else will take care of you and all of your responsibilities".

Worth a shot huh? It works, sometimes... she gets sympathy from some folks. Not usually who she's hoping for, not usually the end results she's hoping for. If this wasn't so typical, I might fall for it. Sadly, this is all par for the course.

Life Is Grand Award

Life Is Grand Award

Janet at Lilacs and Cats gave me this award in April and I am now going to give this award to the Grand blogs that I have chosen.

This is how it works :

1. Give five reasons why you think life is Grand.

2. Pass the award on to five more blogs that you think are Grand.

Here are my five reasons I think life is grand:

1. My darling husband. He is the light of my life, my rock, my everything.

2. My cats and dogs are the best children I could ask for. So full of love and companionship and cuddles and purrs.

3. Nature. I am all about nature, animals, trees, blue skies, puffy white clouds, forests of pines. The smell, sights and sounds of the natural world are my spiritual connection to the divine.

4. Dare I say it? Food. How I love food. I love to chop, prepare,cook, present and of course eat it. My life as a vegetarian has brought so much appreciation for good whole foods and the creativity that preparing meals brings.

5. Our environment. Making choices that preserve and protect our planet.

Now, blogs that I would like to give this award to :

1) Janet at http://jcatmom.blogspot.com/
She is a sister in so many ways, a good friend and a lovely person.

2 ) LeAnn at http://geeezblog.blogspot.com/ Is so caring, funny, full of love and life. I enjoy each time I get to interact with her.

There aren't many blogs I follow yet. But these 2 people are special to me and I appreciate them both very much.

This is a long one...

Like I said. Diary... thinking "out loud"

Ally and I have had several talks since she moved back in.

A little back story:

Ally has always, and I mean from the day she was born, always been what I might call strong willed…

She’s always been demanding and unrelenting when she wants her way.

When she was very little, she was a biter. If her older sister didn’t do what she wanted her to do, she’d bite her, and I do mean bite.

When Great Grandma wouldn’t give in and let her have a 5^th piece of string cheese, she’s stand in the middle of the living room and SCREAM for HOURS… Unrelenting and until she passed out from exaustion rather than just accept that she couldn’t have what she wanted.

She refused to work in school; from K on… conferences went like this:

Teacher: Well, she prefers to be in charge, she doesn’t play well with others and here (dropping 2’ stack of papers on the table) is the work she’s not done.

So, after many years of battles, battle of wills, battles for good grades, BAD social choices. I quit my real job and we decided to home school in hopes she wouldn’t flunk out and would graduate HS.

I have to say, homeschooling was a cake walk for her. She had to be beaten in to submission for the first 2 years, I had to sit every day and go over every assignment and make her do them and do them right… after a while, she decided it wasn’t so hard and she could skate through. And she did. She had easy teachers and the assignments really only took about an hour a day.

She was all set up to graduate early. She was eligible to go to Jr. College during her senior HS year and went. Again, very poor social choices. Again started the lying, the not doing school work, the bad choice in boys and friends. She failed her classes, we pulled her out and made her wait until she was out of HS to go to College.

18 comes, NOW she’s an “adult” and wants her adult freedom, wants to go to college, mainly because that’s where the social action is.

January of this year, she is so unbearable, she’s met a guy who is “the one” (aren’t they always?) and goes completely apeshit, tells us and her sister to “F*** off, and go to H***” and out she goes. Albeit, at our request.

She tries to suck in said boyfriend, but at this point he’s a little smarter than her. He knows he has a good thing, living with mom and dad and going to college, so he says no.

That’s ok, she can suck in one of her friends. She does…. She left the house with $2000 in cash, saved for when she was really ready to move out… inside of 18 weeks, count ‘em, 1-8 weeks… she’s penniless, being evicted from the crappy apartment, has no car insurance, owes her boyfriend money for paying her rent, owes her roommate money for paying her ½ of the rent, has flunked out of school and has nowhere to go.

So, back she comes. “I need you” “Please can I come back and stay until I get on my feet?”

Mind you, she works all of 10 hours a week at a $10 an hour job. So she has a credit card maxed out, she owes her college fund money, she owes boyfriend and I suspect boyfriends parents, her sister and her friends money.

OK, she is our child. Should we let her live in her car… probably. But, alas, we won’t if we don’t have to.

So, rules… she can come here IF:

That horrible, angry, hateful girl that left here 18 weeks ago even shows a glimmer of face, she’s out then and there with nothing but the clothes on her back and her car.

She makes a plan and immediately finds 40 – 60 hours a week work to pay back all she owes.

She pays back all she owed and pays out of her own pocket her first semester and books back to college and passes with no less than A’s and B’s.

She’s cheerful, grateful, and helpful around the house and participates in the running of the home and in the family.

She understands and acts as though I’m not her personal servant.

She’s 100% respectful and willing to prove that she deserves yet another chance.

She takes FULL responsibiilty for the choices she’s made and understands that it was all in HER control.

NO excuses. No more lies.

She stops manipulating her boyfriend in to buying her anything she bats her eyes at. Like a Fredick’s of Holywood bra. Uh huh, not kidding.

After she knew she was flat broke, well, beyond broke and about to be evicted, she goes to the mall with her sister. She goes in to Fredrick’s of Hollywood, picks a bra, slides her card, naturally it won’t work… so she looks at her sister expectantly. When sister wont pay for it, she gets all in a huff and calls boyfriend who says “come on by, I’ll give you the money”.

HUH???? WTF?????

Sounds reasonable? She is, after all, an “adult” and has to learn to act like one.

Rainy weekend

My darling husband, home for the weekend from Portland, Or, where it was sunny when heleft Friday, came home to a very rainy weekend here in Sacramento.

We went to a Native Plant sale and show in the area, stood in the rain for an hour and looked at plants and trees. Cool, I enjoyed seeing them.

In honor of my friend, Miss Lilacs and Cats, I bought a low lilac, not one of the 10' tall ones, but this one will grow to like 3' or 4'. I'm excited to see it grow.

We are slowly but surely transforming our front yard to all native plants. So we wont have to water, these plants thrive in this climate. Nice. The Lilac will be a nice addition.

It's cool and really quite wet again today. I suppose I'll make some lentils since it seems soup weather.

Talk about kitty bellies

This is from http://today.excite.com/pet.html I could not resist such a kitty belly.

I adore my kitties, but...

This breaks my heart.

I know, cats are cats, they hunt birds.

Our kitties can't leave our backyard, now if only we could keep the Blue Jays out of our yard.

This time of year there are SO many Blue Jays in our neighbors high hedges, and they think themselves pretty smart and pretty quick. So, they come in to our yard, seeming to dare our cats.

Well, a few of our cats, the grey pudds specifically are very fast and efficient hunters. Damn it.

I just heard all the screaming and looked up to see Jeeves running hell bent for the kitty door with 2 angry Blue Jays in hot pursuit.

Of course, he has one in his mouth, and he's headed for the house.

In he comes. Poor bird is dead.

I hear more screaming and see some Blue Jays trying to revive another in the grass.


Alas, this one is not dead, yet.

I've seen them recover and fly off.

I rounded up my beasties and blocked them in the house in hopes that this second victim will recover.

This just tears me up. I keep telling them, I feed them plenty, there's no need to hunt birds. Damn damn damn.

I'm sorry to say, the second bird didn't make it. I buried them both.

I'm all about nature, love nature and am a believer in letting her be as she knows best. There are just parts of nature I don't want to have to watch. Hmmph.

Earth day

So, yesterday was Earth day. Every day is Earth day for me. I'm very environmentally aware. I love that more people are becoming aware and making changes that need to be made.

Me? I compost, well, my husband actually makes the dirt. We garden organically our own veggies and have started some fruit trees.

We're both vegetarians. I buy organic food, locally grown if I can get it.

I always use my own bags when shopping.

We've recycled for years.

I'm working on buying things not pre-packaged. Fewer containers, less waste. That's a tough one, but it's a new goal.

My husband commutes 11 miles one way to work on his bike when he's in town, more often than not.

I work all of 3 miles from home and would be happy to bike in if I had a place to leave my bike while I was there. I've asked, they're unwilling to provide a safe place. :-(
(and I work in a Natural Foods Store - go figure)

I'm all about our environment and have many soapboxes on the subject and will gladly enlighten anyone who asks.

I so enjoyed my weekend

With my husband, the critters and the sunshine!

I do love Spring

I do love Spring. Lovely Poppies, Chamomile, Lavender and lazy cats & dogs. Ahhh.