Don't let the outside influence the inside

I’m noticing that I am focusing on the negative and feeding my anger. I so don’t want to be a dupe. I think my daughter (A)is getting better, a bit, the supplements I’m giving her seem to be helping, the attitude seems better, she’s sleeping better some nights. That’ll help a lot.

I know that’s only part of the solution, I know that therapy is key and no pill can fix her, it can only help her fix herself.

I guess, I just don’t see the real desire to in her to fix her. She still feels there’s nothing wrong with taking advantage of others. She still doesn’t seem to me to be putting all the effort in to getting jobs that I would be if it were me.

She disappears, I *know* in my heart she’s off seeing BF (M), who she’s not allowed to see while she lives here. She’s allowed to talk to him, not see him. I can’t prove it. So, what do I do?

She tells me that "M thinks he can put me on his vision and dental insurance”. Again, let’s use someone else rather than get my own. I told her last night, “how about you get a job and get your own?” she just mumbles “yeah”.

Her history is so angry, violent and filled with lies, and I know still most of what she speaks now are lies, how am I supposed to just trust that she’s out there job hunting and not screwing off and seeing Mand taking advantage of us?

My husband (I) is so good, he knows, and he’s right. That until she proves herself unworthy, we have to just trust that she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing, even if it’s not to our expectations.

We can’t follow her every day. We can’t prove she’s up to no good. Can’t prove she’s lying. She is job hunting, just not with the vigor that I think she should be. She does do a little around here, certainly not to my expectations.

I am basing this all on what I think I would do in this situation. Granted, I don’t have the supposed mental illness she has.

I say supposed, because I have seen her pick herself up and do a damn good job from time to time, so I know she’s capable. That brings me to: yes, I know she has difficulties, but I know it’s a choice. She CAN overcome her difficulties if she wants to.

She did sum it all up when she was 13. She did really well one quarter in school, all A’s and B’s. The next quarter was right back to D’s and F’s. I asked her “what the hell?” (not really in those words, same gist) and she said “I tried working hard,I didn’t like it and it wasn’t worth it” Well, there you go then.

Now I find myself fighting my own depression, my own anger. Trying not to let the outside influence the inside of who I am.

Dilemma…

My older daughter is all about labels and qualifications. She loves loves loves college and her college friends. She’s of the mindset that if you’ve gone to college, you know it all, hence… her Master’s and desire to go on to PHD.

Anyway, that’s another story.

Older daughter has a friend who is “qualified” and said younger daughter, (source of most of our drama) was as a child was O.D.D. (Oppositional defiant disorder )this I knew, I figured that out years ago.

ODD kids eventually progress to either Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) or Conduct Disorder. But first and formost, she’s depressed. Gee, I’ve been saying she’s a manic depressive for years too.

She fits Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) to a “T” Every single one.

Characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder may include:^{[citation needed]}

1.

1. Persistent lying or stealing

2. Superficial charm^[4][5]

3. Apparent lack of remorse^[4] or empathy; inability to care about hurting others

4. Inability to keep jobs or stay in school^[4]

5. Impulsivity and/or recklessness^[4]

6. Lack of realistic, long-term goals — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals

7. Inability to make or keep friends, or maintain relationships such as marriage

8. Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper

9. Narcissism, elevated self-appraisal or a sense of extreme entitlement

10. A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria)

11. A history of childhood conduct disorders

12. Recurring difficulties with the law

13. Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others

14. Substance abuse

15. Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights

16. Inability to tolerate boredom

17. Disregard for the safety of self or others

18. People with a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder often experience difficulties with authority figures.

So what? We have a label? Now what? I’ve tried for years to get her to take supplements and diet changes and exercise and therapy for her manic depression or bi-polar as it’s called now. No go, she WONT do it.

I talked with her again last night. She says she’ll take what I give her, will she? Not likely. I made the mistake the last 2 days of giving her the supplements and letting her go take them out of my sight. It occurs to me this morning that she used to just toss them in the trash. For all I know she’s saying she’ll take them and flushing them. Ok, so now I have to treat her like a mental patient and make her take them in front of me and show me she swallowed them?

She still has no job and I really don’t think she’s seriously looking for one. (note #4 and #6) Even though we gave her a deadline of Friday to get one or she’s out.

So, our dilemma now is: is she mentally handicapped? Are we responsible for her forever? So we have a label… if she won’t help herself, do we support her and let her be a lay-about all her life? If we tell her there’s a disorder with her name on it, she’ll use it as an excuse.

Do we kick her butt out and hope it forces her to make responsible moves? Knowing that’s not likely?

We’ve told her that if she stays here, she #1, has to have 40 hours a week of paid work. In a couple of months after taking the supplements I give her faithfully, she has to get therapy WHILE paying back EVERY penny she owes and working to clean up the disaster she’s made of her credit.

The other dilemma is: “or what”? So, if she doesn’t get 40 hours a week – what? If she doesn’t take the supplements – what? If she refuses therapy – what?

Such a quandary.

note to JC and MORE debt

Funny you should say that JC. That’s exactly what we’ve done. Cancelled her cell phone, took her credit card (maxed anyway) and her ATM card and her checkbook away. Ian is drawing up a contract for her to sign.

Sadly, we've done ALL of this before. It didn't work then, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

She DOES know these things, she didn’t file taxes either! She KNOWS it’s illegal, it doesn’t even register that jail is a possibility. I can’t even come up with a word that fits what I feel!

Oh, AND.. the apartments sent the bill, well, the lawyers did. She owes for the whole year rent lease they signed. If they can rent the apartment, that’ll negate those months, but if they don’t she and her roommate (who wont pay a dime) owe… are you ready? $9,000. ...

On top of the $3000 she already owes.

Best of luck with your daughter JC. I hope she’s NICE this time and if she’s not changed, she’ll fake it.

Flaberghasted

It's truly unbelievable. You can't make this shit up.

So, teenager ball of anger, moves back in, you all know the story... flat broke, in debt up to her eyeballs...

She never ONCE paid her electricity bill...

one of the conditions of coming back was that she spends NO money, zero, not one penny. She had only enough from her las paycheck to pay her next insurance for her car and her cell phone bill...

Last night, my darling husband logs on to her account, to check the balance and she's spent $35 at Red Robin, $25 at Safeway (grocery store) and another couple bucks on a bottle of water when she was out and about because she couldn't be bothered to TAKE water with her, as we ALWAYS do in this house.

AND... she's wasted a tank of gas in 3 days for just screwing off.

Now, I was ready, then and there to boot her out. I'm done. We've been down this road OVER AND OVER again. DH, softy that he is, is willing to lay down the law, be the warden, take her phone, cards, checkbook away from her and tell her no more boyfriend.

Since she CAN be responsible, we've seen her, just not if there's a boy withing 20 feet of her.

HOLY SHIT.

I'm beyond the end of my wits. What in heaven's name made me think she'd come by a clue in the last 4 1/2 months?

We went to the Peace Corp recruitment meeting last night. VERY interesting. I was so hoping my daughter who really needs a life changing experience could / would join...

They wouldn’t take her… you haveto WANT to go, be willing, ready and able to off something other countries want and most of the assignments require a 4 year degree or similar work experience. She’s nowhere near ready for that.

Too bad, it would be life changing!

When my dear husband and I have no more animals and can manage a way to pay the mortgage... I'd seriously consider doing this. It's FANTASTIC. What an experience that would be.

Busy weekend

All in all, not a bad weekend.

We went to a Cinco de Mayo party on Nueve de Mayo. Fun day!

Mother's day was quiet at home. Odd, the only mother's day card I got was from MY mother. Who'da thunk?

To be fair, my older daughter did order me an adoption of an elephant family through defenders of wildlife and had it sent to my house. As far as gifts go, that's a good one.

My hubby and I hung out at home, doing chores, planting the plants we got from the native plant sale. Watched some TV and took a nap... well, *I* took a nap.

Younger daughter... I don't know. Today, I saw a glimmer of 'maybe she is beginning to get a little bit'? we'll see. She did take on some chores without being told, that's a first since she's been back.

Here's hoping she's really applying for jobs like she says she is and gets one or two here VERY soon!

and yet again...

What do you know? Turns out that when you get a new job and you have been there only 2 weeks, it's not wise to call in sick for the whole third week of your employment. Now, her 10 hour a week job is a 0 hour a week job.
Hmph.

More on the same

She proclaims herself "fiery and independent" and angrily asks me, "can you accept that that's who I am?"

Then, after all of this, she's 'home', really just to mooch. She lays in the sun for 6 hours yesterday while filling out applications and is surprisingly today, burned and not feeling well enough to go apply for jobs. Oh, and... "I think I have a cold too". hmmmm.

I have to be the bitch again, as usual. I tell her, "this is life, this is reality, your reality is that you have to have a job, maybe 2 or 3 to get yourself where you need to be, you need to go in bright eyed and bushy tailed even if you're faking it."

This is very typical. When there's work involved, mind you she's spent not even 1 full day looking for jobs, out come the physical ailments. The wrist and ankle braces, the pinched nerves, the crutches have even been broken out in hopes of sympathy and being told, "don't you worry honey, someone else will take care of you and all of your responsibilities".

Worth a shot huh? It works, sometimes... she gets sympathy from some folks. Not usually who she's hoping for, not usually the end results she's hoping for. If this wasn't so typical, I might fall for it. Sadly, this is all par for the course.

Life Is Grand Award

Life Is Grand Award

Janet at Lilacs and Cats gave me this award in April and I am now going to give this award to the Grand blogs that I have chosen.

This is how it works :

1. Give five reasons why you think life is Grand.

2. Pass the award on to five more blogs that you think are Grand.

Here are my five reasons I think life is grand:

1. My darling husband. He is the light of my life, my rock, my everything.

2. My cats and dogs are the best children I could ask for. So full of love and companionship and cuddles and purrs.

3. Nature. I am all about nature, animals, trees, blue skies, puffy white clouds, forests of pines. The smell, sights and sounds of the natural world are my spiritual connection to the divine.

4. Dare I say it? Food. How I love food. I love to chop, prepare,cook, present and of course eat it. My life as a vegetarian has brought so much appreciation for good whole foods and the creativity that preparing meals brings.

5. Our environment. Making choices that preserve and protect our planet.

Now, blogs that I would like to give this award to :

1) Janet at http://jcatmom.blogspot.com/
She is a sister in so many ways, a good friend and a lovely person.

2 ) LeAnn at http://geeezblog.blogspot.com/ Is so caring, funny, full of love and life. I enjoy each time I get to interact with her.

There aren't many blogs I follow yet. But these 2 people are special to me and I appreciate them both very much.

This is a long one...

Like I said. Diary... thinking "out loud"

Ally and I have had several talks since she moved back in.

A little back story:

Ally has always, and I mean from the day she was born, always been what I might call strong willed…

She’s always been demanding and unrelenting when she wants her way.

When she was very little, she was a biter. If her older sister didn’t do what she wanted her to do, she’d bite her, and I do mean bite.

When Great Grandma wouldn’t give in and let her have a 5^th piece of string cheese, she’s stand in the middle of the living room and SCREAM for HOURS… Unrelenting and until she passed out from exaustion rather than just accept that she couldn’t have what she wanted.

She refused to work in school; from K on… conferences went like this:

Teacher: Well, she prefers to be in charge, she doesn’t play well with others and here (dropping 2’ stack of papers on the table) is the work she’s not done.

So, after many years of battles, battle of wills, battles for good grades, BAD social choices. I quit my real job and we decided to home school in hopes she wouldn’t flunk out and would graduate HS.

I have to say, homeschooling was a cake walk for her. She had to be beaten in to submission for the first 2 years, I had to sit every day and go over every assignment and make her do them and do them right… after a while, she decided it wasn’t so hard and she could skate through. And she did. She had easy teachers and the assignments really only took about an hour a day.

She was all set up to graduate early. She was eligible to go to Jr. College during her senior HS year and went. Again, very poor social choices. Again started the lying, the not doing school work, the bad choice in boys and friends. She failed her classes, we pulled her out and made her wait until she was out of HS to go to College.

18 comes, NOW she’s an “adult” and wants her adult freedom, wants to go to college, mainly because that’s where the social action is.

January of this year, she is so unbearable, she’s met a guy who is “the one” (aren’t they always?) and goes completely apeshit, tells us and her sister to “F*** off, and go to H***” and out she goes. Albeit, at our request.

She tries to suck in said boyfriend, but at this point he’s a little smarter than her. He knows he has a good thing, living with mom and dad and going to college, so he says no.

That’s ok, she can suck in one of her friends. She does…. She left the house with $2000 in cash, saved for when she was really ready to move out… inside of 18 weeks, count ‘em, 1-8 weeks… she’s penniless, being evicted from the crappy apartment, has no car insurance, owes her boyfriend money for paying her rent, owes her roommate money for paying her ½ of the rent, has flunked out of school and has nowhere to go.

So, back she comes. “I need you” “Please can I come back and stay until I get on my feet?”

Mind you, she works all of 10 hours a week at a $10 an hour job. So she has a credit card maxed out, she owes her college fund money, she owes boyfriend and I suspect boyfriends parents, her sister and her friends money.

OK, she is our child. Should we let her live in her car… probably. But, alas, we won’t if we don’t have to.

So, rules… she can come here IF:

That horrible, angry, hateful girl that left here 18 weeks ago even shows a glimmer of face, she’s out then and there with nothing but the clothes on her back and her car.

She makes a plan and immediately finds 40 – 60 hours a week work to pay back all she owes.

She pays back all she owed and pays out of her own pocket her first semester and books back to college and passes with no less than A’s and B’s.

She’s cheerful, grateful, and helpful around the house and participates in the running of the home and in the family.

She understands and acts as though I’m not her personal servant.

She’s 100% respectful and willing to prove that she deserves yet another chance.

She takes FULL responsibiilty for the choices she’s made and understands that it was all in HER control.

NO excuses. No more lies.

She stops manipulating her boyfriend in to buying her anything she bats her eyes at. Like a Fredick’s of Holywood bra. Uh huh, not kidding.

After she knew she was flat broke, well, beyond broke and about to be evicted, she goes to the mall with her sister. She goes in to Fredrick’s of Hollywood, picks a bra, slides her card, naturally it won’t work… so she looks at her sister expectantly. When sister wont pay for it, she gets all in a huff and calls boyfriend who says “come on by, I’ll give you the money”.

HUH???? WTF?????

Sounds reasonable? She is, after all, an “adult” and has to learn to act like one.

Rainy weekend

My darling husband, home for the weekend from Portland, Or, where it was sunny when heleft Friday, came home to a very rainy weekend here in Sacramento.

We went to a Native Plant sale and show in the area, stood in the rain for an hour and looked at plants and trees. Cool, I enjoyed seeing them.

In honor of my friend, Miss Lilacs and Cats, I bought a low lilac, not one of the 10' tall ones, but this one will grow to like 3' or 4'. I'm excited to see it grow.

We are slowly but surely transforming our front yard to all native plants. So we wont have to water, these plants thrive in this climate. Nice. The Lilac will be a nice addition.

It's cool and really quite wet again today. I suppose I'll make some lentils since it seems soup weather.