When we lose someone we love

My sweetie Maggie Mae. What a lovely girl she was. Maine Coon we think.

She was adopted from a PetsMart adoption center for my Grandma. She was so loving, she sat on grandma's recliner above her head most of the time. She took good care of Grandma.

When I'd come to visit, she always got so excited and wanted to sit in my lap. That sweet girl was usually in my lap before I sat down.

When Grandma broke her hip, she went to a care home and Maggie came to live with us and our 8 other kitties.

Now Maggie, she'd rather bean only kitty. She liked being the main attraction. More so, she liked other kitties to leave her be.

She got in to a scuffle with a wee baby Jasper when they first came home, Jasper came out the worse for it, but for some reason, from that moment on, she was his idol, his love. He ADORED her.

Every night, we do canned kitty food for all, he's run back and forth from the kitchen to Maggie as if to say "come on, it's treat time" "I don't want you to miss out."

He will certainly miss her most of all the other kitties. She was his girl.

She was sure my girl. On my lap often when I'd sit to watch TV. Always with a blanket of pillow under her.

When I was recovering from surgery a few years back, she never left my lap. I had to use a big heavy pillow over my incision and she was always on that pillow taking care of her mama.

Bless her sweet soul. May you be at peace Maggie, be with Grandma, know that you are very very loved and missed and we will be together again.

I've been reading the China Study. So far, and I've only finished 3 chapters, it's amazing. Given my family history of cancer and the years of studies they've done in this book, I can say, "you betcha, I'm glad to be a vegetarian."

I do find it amusing though, now, being on the other side of the "new vegetarian" that everyone is in a scramble to find meat replacements.

Don't get me wrong, I use them and quite like most of them. But finally I've learned that meat isn't" what's for dinner". I can cook with or without replacements.

I LOVE my lentil stew, love my chili, my Quinoa and black bean salad. Beans and grains, nuts and seeds, fruits and veggies really do have all the protein we 'need'. (plus all the other good stuff meat doesn't have).

I hope this revelation will cause a shift in our way of thinking as a nation. Maybe now we can stop that disgusting factory farming. There will always be the die hard meat eaters, those that think there is no other way to live. Those that believe that vegetarians must be crazy or weak folks. That's ok, if the demand for meat lessens, the atrocities that happen in these factories will no longer be a necessity to meet the demand.

But, I digress.

I am just very glad I did all the research I did years ago, glad most of my family followed suit as they learned what I learned, and glad that we are all much healthier for it.

Working with the public

I tend to be a hermit, well, if I were wealthy I guess I'd be a recluse. I don't care for "the public" as a rule, and yet... that's where I work. Odd.

There's plenty of press on the H1N1 virus, "it's SO contagious, don't leave your house if you have it, wear a mask in public..." Today, this lady comes in to our store looking all weepy eyed, obviously feels like crap and says to me: "what do I need to take if I think I have the H1N1?" WTF? I am sorry, truly sorry that she felt so bad, but WHY are you out in public spreading it around?

Our sweet cashier had it, it took this healthy active young woman down and out for a month. I mean DOWN, poor thing. She isolated herself and tried so hard to make sure no one else got it, and here comes some lady with no regard not only for her own recovery (should be in bed resting) but no regard for the health or safety of others.

Grrrr.

Kids are in our store and old folks ALL THE TIME. Folks that may have weakened immune systems.

I say again, GRRRR.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've posted a blog, or anything for that matter.

Here I sit, noon on my day off, having done my yoga and workout to the point of all body shakes. (note to self) need to eat protein earlier in the day...

I'm reading a blog or two, enjoying the stories and writing styles. Makes me think I ought to add something to mine.

This is a time of year for reflection for me. My birthday is coming, another year older. Beats the alternative, I know... but I'm feeling it.

In my reflections I realize I am a lucky woman. I love my life. I have the best husband in the world. I have the company and even love of 10 furry babies, who could ask for more?

This empty nest thing is rather nice. I do enjoy the quiet, even if, once in a while, I get the notion that I'd like another child in the house, one who might be appreciative for all we have to give. I soon come to my senses and realize I love the peace we have now. No nasty teenagers, no unruly wired bouncy children. LOL. I like quiet.

I am getting back in to yoga and really enjoying the way it makes me feel.

I'm lucky enough not to have any major health issues. I'm lucky that I discovered natural foods, organic, vegetarian lifestyle, that I've learned so much about natural medicines, cleaners and such. I've detoxified our lives boundlessly. We feel SO much better than the days of fast food dinner days.

I've had a lot of time over the last few years to make great improvements in my life and I hope for those around me as well.

I am truly blessed.

Wonderful, peaceful, restful day in nature

How I love Fallen Leaf Lake in Tahoe, CA. The weather was perfect, warm, but not too warm, not windy. LOVELY scenery.

Sweet Purdy, she really doesn't like water, but what she does enjoy are chipmunks... oh boy are they fun to watch. AND she can sit with her back to the water and pretend it's not there.



Pongo, he doesn't mind a bit. He likes to bark at people and other dogs, well, mostly other dogs. They, after all, should not be on his portion of the beach.



All in all, it's such a nice day to take up a picnic lunch and think of nothing, do nothing, no phones, no stress. I'd go back tomorrow if I could.

My sweet husband likes this day trip for his birthday each summer, it's such a great day for all of us.

As Tuesday is my darling husband's birthday, we're making our almost annual trip to Fallen Leaf Lake near South shore Lake Tahoe. It's LOVELY up there and a great day for us to hang out in a place of natural beauty and just enjoy.



Pups are going too. Much to Purdy's dismay. She's not a fan of water in general, but the kind that makes noisy wave crashing type sounds, not her favorite.



Pongo, he's happy anywhere, as long as he's with his people. He'll guard his square of beach and likely the neighbors as well, alerting us all to any dogs who may stray in to the area.

My own struggles

My daughter is a sociopath

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? Of this I have little doubt. I say ‘little’ because I always hope that maybe, just maybe, just because she fits every single description of a sociopath she’s not really one. Maybe, just maybe she’ll grow one day and this will all be a distant nightmare.

I know, I know… if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… it’s probably a duck. Sigh.

So, I find I’m going through the grieving process. Step by step.

1. Denial and Isolation.

I’ve been here for a while. I still come back here every so often. I go ‘round and ‘round. What if she’s not really a sociopath, what if she just makes really bad choices? Oh wait, that’s part of it, isn’t it? I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone about it really, I don’t want to drag anyone down, no one knows what to say to me anyway, it’s very much like a death, no one really has words of comfort or wisdom that can help. Not that they don’t want to… well, you know. We all want to help, just don’t know how.

2. Anger.

‘Oh boy have I been angry. Angry at her, angry at her sperm donor father who is also one (so I learn too late) as is his brother. Genetic? You think? Sigh. Yes it is. I’m angry at her for not overcoming it with all the love and support and sacrifice we made for her. I’m angry because all we’ve done, and we’ve tried everything, nothing helped. I’m angry because I am responsible for loosing her on an unsuspecting world and I can’t fix it. I’m angry because I made her with a sociopath.

Granted. If you do any research on sociopaths, they are very common and normal people wouldn’t spot one until after you’ve been heartbroken and left penniless. Then comes the ‘aha’ moment. Too late. I still blame myself.

3. Bargaining.

Here too, have I spent some time. More in the idea that what if we do this, or try this, will that make her better? I know there’s nothing left, we have quite literally tried everything. She is who and what she is. We have no more power to stop her.

4. Depression.

Such depression. Again with the isolation. I find I don’t really want to talk to anyone. No one can possible understand how I feel or help. Here is where I seem to be most often now. Although, just when I think I’m not angry anymore, she calls and OH BOY, nope, I’m still angry. I don’t know how to accept that my child is a danger to society and to herself. That she has no emotion, she hasn’t the ability to love. She has no empathy. She’s selfish and manipulative and I can’t stop her. Therapy doesn’t help them. No known drugs can help them. They are actually hard wired differently than we are. The only advice I can find is “get them completely out of your life” Well, that’s rough to do, when it’s your very own child. Even though I know that’s what it’ll come to someday.

5. Acceptance.

I long for this and dread this at the same time. Once I accept it as no longer my responsibility, I’ll have no choice than to let go of her completely and move forward. I dread it because that will admit that my daughter is dead, the daughter I thought I had, the daughter I hoped I had. She doesn’t exist, never has. It is very much like a death. I don’t know that it’s possible for me to get here. At the same time, I can’t seem to live my life until I do get here.