Working with the public

I tend to be a hermit, well, if I were wealthy I guess I'd be a recluse. I don't care for "the public" as a rule, and yet... that's where I work. Odd.

There's plenty of press on the H1N1 virus, "it's SO contagious, don't leave your house if you have it, wear a mask in public..." Today, this lady comes in to our store looking all weepy eyed, obviously feels like crap and says to me: "what do I need to take if I think I have the H1N1?" WTF? I am sorry, truly sorry that she felt so bad, but WHY are you out in public spreading it around?

Our sweet cashier had it, it took this healthy active young woman down and out for a month. I mean DOWN, poor thing. She isolated herself and tried so hard to make sure no one else got it, and here comes some lady with no regard not only for her own recovery (should be in bed resting) but no regard for the health or safety of others.

Grrrr.

Kids are in our store and old folks ALL THE TIME. Folks that may have weakened immune systems.

I say again, GRRRR.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've posted a blog, or anything for that matter.

Here I sit, noon on my day off, having done my yoga and workout to the point of all body shakes. (note to self) need to eat protein earlier in the day...

I'm reading a blog or two, enjoying the stories and writing styles. Makes me think I ought to add something to mine.

This is a time of year for reflection for me. My birthday is coming, another year older. Beats the alternative, I know... but I'm feeling it.

In my reflections I realize I am a lucky woman. I love my life. I have the best husband in the world. I have the company and even love of 10 furry babies, who could ask for more?

This empty nest thing is rather nice. I do enjoy the quiet, even if, once in a while, I get the notion that I'd like another child in the house, one who might be appreciative for all we have to give. I soon come to my senses and realize I love the peace we have now. No nasty teenagers, no unruly wired bouncy children. LOL. I like quiet.

I am getting back in to yoga and really enjoying the way it makes me feel.

I'm lucky enough not to have any major health issues. I'm lucky that I discovered natural foods, organic, vegetarian lifestyle, that I've learned so much about natural medicines, cleaners and such. I've detoxified our lives boundlessly. We feel SO much better than the days of fast food dinner days.

I've had a lot of time over the last few years to make great improvements in my life and I hope for those around me as well.

I am truly blessed.

Wonderful, peaceful, restful day in nature

How I love Fallen Leaf Lake in Tahoe, CA. The weather was perfect, warm, but not too warm, not windy. LOVELY scenery.

Sweet Purdy, she really doesn't like water, but what she does enjoy are chipmunks... oh boy are they fun to watch. AND she can sit with her back to the water and pretend it's not there.



Pongo, he doesn't mind a bit. He likes to bark at people and other dogs, well, mostly other dogs. They, after all, should not be on his portion of the beach.



All in all, it's such a nice day to take up a picnic lunch and think of nothing, do nothing, no phones, no stress. I'd go back tomorrow if I could.

My sweet husband likes this day trip for his birthday each summer, it's such a great day for all of us.

As Tuesday is my darling husband's birthday, we're making our almost annual trip to Fallen Leaf Lake near South shore Lake Tahoe. It's LOVELY up there and a great day for us to hang out in a place of natural beauty and just enjoy.



Pups are going too. Much to Purdy's dismay. She's not a fan of water in general, but the kind that makes noisy wave crashing type sounds, not her favorite.



Pongo, he's happy anywhere, as long as he's with his people. He'll guard his square of beach and likely the neighbors as well, alerting us all to any dogs who may stray in to the area.

My own struggles

My daughter is a sociopath

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? Of this I have little doubt. I say ‘little’ because I always hope that maybe, just maybe, just because she fits every single description of a sociopath she’s not really one. Maybe, just maybe she’ll grow one day and this will all be a distant nightmare.

I know, I know… if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… it’s probably a duck. Sigh.

So, I find I’m going through the grieving process. Step by step.

1. Denial and Isolation.

I’ve been here for a while. I still come back here every so often. I go ‘round and ‘round. What if she’s not really a sociopath, what if she just makes really bad choices? Oh wait, that’s part of it, isn’t it? I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone about it really, I don’t want to drag anyone down, no one knows what to say to me anyway, it’s very much like a death, no one really has words of comfort or wisdom that can help. Not that they don’t want to… well, you know. We all want to help, just don’t know how.

2. Anger.

‘Oh boy have I been angry. Angry at her, angry at her sperm donor father who is also one (so I learn too late) as is his brother. Genetic? You think? Sigh. Yes it is. I’m angry at her for not overcoming it with all the love and support and sacrifice we made for her. I’m angry because all we’ve done, and we’ve tried everything, nothing helped. I’m angry because I am responsible for loosing her on an unsuspecting world and I can’t fix it. I’m angry because I made her with a sociopath.

Granted. If you do any research on sociopaths, they are very common and normal people wouldn’t spot one until after you’ve been heartbroken and left penniless. Then comes the ‘aha’ moment. Too late. I still blame myself.

3. Bargaining.

Here too, have I spent some time. More in the idea that what if we do this, or try this, will that make her better? I know there’s nothing left, we have quite literally tried everything. She is who and what she is. We have no more power to stop her.

4. Depression.

Such depression. Again with the isolation. I find I don’t really want to talk to anyone. No one can possible understand how I feel or help. Here is where I seem to be most often now. Although, just when I think I’m not angry anymore, she calls and OH BOY, nope, I’m still angry. I don’t know how to accept that my child is a danger to society and to herself. That she has no emotion, she hasn’t the ability to love. She has no empathy. She’s selfish and manipulative and I can’t stop her. Therapy doesn’t help them. No known drugs can help them. They are actually hard wired differently than we are. The only advice I can find is “get them completely out of your life” Well, that’s rough to do, when it’s your very own child. Even though I know that’s what it’ll come to someday.

5. Acceptance.

I long for this and dread this at the same time. Once I accept it as no longer my responsibility, I’ll have no choice than to let go of her completely and move forward. I dread it because that will admit that my daughter is dead, the daughter I thought I had, the daughter I hoped I had. She doesn’t exist, never has. It is very much like a death. I don’t know that it’s possible for me to get here. At the same time, I can’t seem to live my life until I do get here.

The latest in the tragedy that is my daughter

I just don’t know. Honestly… Who my daughter is, where did she come from.

Sadly, that’s not true, I do know… genetically, she’s like her bio-father and his family. They are all off their nuts, and so is she.

She was raised here with my loving husband, me, and her sister … in a stable loving home, every opportunity handed to her on a silver platter, well, mostly. There were catches of course. She had to work, get good grades, go to school, not sleep around, not do drugs and booze, not party 'til she got arrested, not lie, not sneak around… you know, the prison that we were.

So, now I learn, my lovely daughter in her infinite wisdom, has not only found a “hellagood job” in which some stranger she found on Craig’s list who lives in England now wants her to care for his elderly Alzheimer dad when they move here, but he’s going to send her $3650 now, and she wont even have to start until August.

Hmmm, scam you say?

Yes, just like the other 2 she fell for, when she became a “secret shopper” in which they mail her a cashiers check for $4000 and all she has to do is cash it and quickly (you know, before they verify that it’s not a real check) wire the money elsewhere, but the upside is she gets to keep a few hundred for herself.

Scam you say?… hmmmm.

I’ve known for ages, she’s been lying, sneaking around, screwing with guys… and I don’t mean dinner and a movie dating. That’s all a big part of why we asked her to leave. If that’s the life she wants, we weren’t going to support her while she did it.

Now I learn, she’s living with some 30 year old guy with his daughter and also with his friend in another house, having sex with both men and she has a home. Ahhh, every parent’s proud moment, yes?

I know, my amatuer psychology, I diagnosed her as “antisocial personality disorder and bi-polar” they used to call these sociopaths and manic depressives. There are a handful in the field that give her the same diagnosis, just nothing official.

She’s been like this for years. We’ve tried to get her help, she refuses.

Now what?

So, this is a life she’s chosen. Well, in her foggy brain, this is the best she wants to do. She quit her 4 hour a week job. To be fair, they were about to fire her. She can’t seem to land a job even at Subway. She would rather sleep with old men for a home than work for it. She’s made that abundantly clear. She even says straight out, there’s a benefit, she doesn’t have to DO anything. No work. Effort is too much, well, effort.

My husband and I are both at a loss. Our hearts are broken. We want to do something, but really, what is there to do? Drag her out by her hair and lock her up here as a prisoner? She’s an “adult” they’d arrest us. We can’t commit her, there’s no where to commit her, although I am quite sure that’s what she needs.

There are people like this; I’ve heard about them, heck even met a few. Bums, whoring for whatever, a place to crash, for a meal, for a drug fix… I’m stunned to learn that my daughter is one of them.

A few more pictures

Pictures really don't do it justice, but here they are...