Wonderful, peaceful, restful day in nature

How I love Fallen Leaf Lake in Tahoe, CA. The weather was perfect, warm, but not too warm, not windy. LOVELY scenery.

Sweet Purdy, she really doesn't like water, but what she does enjoy are chipmunks... oh boy are they fun to watch. AND she can sit with her back to the water and pretend it's not there.



Pongo, he doesn't mind a bit. He likes to bark at people and other dogs, well, mostly other dogs. They, after all, should not be on his portion of the beach.



All in all, it's such a nice day to take up a picnic lunch and think of nothing, do nothing, no phones, no stress. I'd go back tomorrow if I could.

My sweet husband likes this day trip for his birthday each summer, it's such a great day for all of us.

As Tuesday is my darling husband's birthday, we're making our almost annual trip to Fallen Leaf Lake near South shore Lake Tahoe. It's LOVELY up there and a great day for us to hang out in a place of natural beauty and just enjoy.



Pups are going too. Much to Purdy's dismay. She's not a fan of water in general, but the kind that makes noisy wave crashing type sounds, not her favorite.



Pongo, he's happy anywhere, as long as he's with his people. He'll guard his square of beach and likely the neighbors as well, alerting us all to any dogs who may stray in to the area.

My own struggles

My daughter is a sociopath

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? Of this I have little doubt. I say ‘little’ because I always hope that maybe, just maybe, just because she fits every single description of a sociopath she’s not really one. Maybe, just maybe she’ll grow one day and this will all be a distant nightmare.

I know, I know… if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… it’s probably a duck. Sigh.

So, I find I’m going through the grieving process. Step by step.

1. Denial and Isolation.

I’ve been here for a while. I still come back here every so often. I go ‘round and ‘round. What if she’s not really a sociopath, what if she just makes really bad choices? Oh wait, that’s part of it, isn’t it? I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone about it really, I don’t want to drag anyone down, no one knows what to say to me anyway, it’s very much like a death, no one really has words of comfort or wisdom that can help. Not that they don’t want to… well, you know. We all want to help, just don’t know how.

2. Anger.

‘Oh boy have I been angry. Angry at her, angry at her sperm donor father who is also one (so I learn too late) as is his brother. Genetic? You think? Sigh. Yes it is. I’m angry at her for not overcoming it with all the love and support and sacrifice we made for her. I’m angry because all we’ve done, and we’ve tried everything, nothing helped. I’m angry because I am responsible for loosing her on an unsuspecting world and I can’t fix it. I’m angry because I made her with a sociopath.

Granted. If you do any research on sociopaths, they are very common and normal people wouldn’t spot one until after you’ve been heartbroken and left penniless. Then comes the ‘aha’ moment. Too late. I still blame myself.

3. Bargaining.

Here too, have I spent some time. More in the idea that what if we do this, or try this, will that make her better? I know there’s nothing left, we have quite literally tried everything. She is who and what she is. We have no more power to stop her.

4. Depression.

Such depression. Again with the isolation. I find I don’t really want to talk to anyone. No one can possible understand how I feel or help. Here is where I seem to be most often now. Although, just when I think I’m not angry anymore, she calls and OH BOY, nope, I’m still angry. I don’t know how to accept that my child is a danger to society and to herself. That she has no emotion, she hasn’t the ability to love. She has no empathy. She’s selfish and manipulative and I can’t stop her. Therapy doesn’t help them. No known drugs can help them. They are actually hard wired differently than we are. The only advice I can find is “get them completely out of your life” Well, that’s rough to do, when it’s your very own child. Even though I know that’s what it’ll come to someday.

5. Acceptance.

I long for this and dread this at the same time. Once I accept it as no longer my responsibility, I’ll have no choice than to let go of her completely and move forward. I dread it because that will admit that my daughter is dead, the daughter I thought I had, the daughter I hoped I had. She doesn’t exist, never has. It is very much like a death. I don’t know that it’s possible for me to get here. At the same time, I can’t seem to live my life until I do get here.

The latest in the tragedy that is my daughter

I just don’t know. Honestly… Who my daughter is, where did she come from.

Sadly, that’s not true, I do know… genetically, she’s like her bio-father and his family. They are all off their nuts, and so is she.

She was raised here with my loving husband, me, and her sister … in a stable loving home, every opportunity handed to her on a silver platter, well, mostly. There were catches of course. She had to work, get good grades, go to school, not sleep around, not do drugs and booze, not party 'til she got arrested, not lie, not sneak around… you know, the prison that we were.

So, now I learn, my lovely daughter in her infinite wisdom, has not only found a “hellagood job” in which some stranger she found on Craig’s list who lives in England now wants her to care for his elderly Alzheimer dad when they move here, but he’s going to send her $3650 now, and she wont even have to start until August.

Hmmm, scam you say?

Yes, just like the other 2 she fell for, when she became a “secret shopper” in which they mail her a cashiers check for $4000 and all she has to do is cash it and quickly (you know, before they verify that it’s not a real check) wire the money elsewhere, but the upside is she gets to keep a few hundred for herself.

Scam you say?… hmmmm.

I’ve known for ages, she’s been lying, sneaking around, screwing with guys… and I don’t mean dinner and a movie dating. That’s all a big part of why we asked her to leave. If that’s the life she wants, we weren’t going to support her while she did it.

Now I learn, she’s living with some 30 year old guy with his daughter and also with his friend in another house, having sex with both men and she has a home. Ahhh, every parent’s proud moment, yes?

I know, my amatuer psychology, I diagnosed her as “antisocial personality disorder and bi-polar” they used to call these sociopaths and manic depressives. There are a handful in the field that give her the same diagnosis, just nothing official.

She’s been like this for years. We’ve tried to get her help, she refuses.

Now what?

So, this is a life she’s chosen. Well, in her foggy brain, this is the best she wants to do. She quit her 4 hour a week job. To be fair, they were about to fire her. She can’t seem to land a job even at Subway. She would rather sleep with old men for a home than work for it. She’s made that abundantly clear. She even says straight out, there’s a benefit, she doesn’t have to DO anything. No work. Effort is too much, well, effort.

My husband and I are both at a loss. Our hearts are broken. We want to do something, but really, what is there to do? Drag her out by her hair and lock her up here as a prisoner? She’s an “adult” they’d arrest us. We can’t commit her, there’s no where to commit her, although I am quite sure that’s what she needs.

There are people like this; I’ve heard about them, heck even met a few. Bums, whoring for whatever, a place to crash, for a meal, for a drug fix… I’m stunned to learn that my daughter is one of them.

A few more pictures

Pictures really don't do it justice, but here they are...

On a brighter note

Last week I had a lovely visit with one of my bestest friends. She'd not been to California before so we saw some sights.

We went to Calaveras Big Trees, we went to Stinson Beach and Muir Beach, we went to Lake Tahoe and Fallen Leaf Lake.

At Calaveras, I took some pictures of some lovely Lilac bushes, in honor of my friend Janet. I hope my post comes through ok here.

Sad that all my blogs are frustration

But, here we go. This ought to be for the last time though. My friends know too well the saga that is my 19 year old daughter. Most of the history is here on this blog.
We let her stay here in our home under a few reasonable conditions.
1. get a damn job.
2. keep a damn job.
3. spend all day every day looking for a damn job if you don't have one or two even.
4. no more boyfriend, he's an enabler and she's a manipulator, they are bad bad bad for each other. His parents were very happy when we told them that one of our conditions was that she not see him anymore.
5. no more lies.
6. keep your room and bathroom clean.
7. pitch in around the house, we aren't your servants.
8. no more lies.
9. make money and save it to pay off the crazy high debt accumulated in the 41/2 months of living footloose and fancy free.
10. no more junk food. It makes her mood swings BAD.

Seems reasonable? Yes?

So, Saturday we find she's squirreled away some cash from a babysitting gig, and / or seen said boyfriend over the last 2 weeks and her car is filled with fast food remnants, soda bottles, soda cups, crap. Her room has some too. We had a very serious blow out. Told her her lies will catch up to her sooner or later, it has to happen, always does.

Today, I get a call from said boyfriends dad and he's just kicked her out of his house and out of his sons bed.

Uh huh. Not 10 hours after an act of "I'm sorry for all the crap" "I am thankful you took me back and gave me another chance".

No more. She's made her choices. She's an "adult" so she's out. I had made it clear over and over there would be no 3rd chance. If she blew this one all to hell, that's it. KABOOM.

I do worry for her safety, she has no where to go, that I know of. She may find some friends sofa to lay about on for a day or 3, but no one will put up with that for long I'm sure.

Do I sound harsh? I'm very angry. I will miss my child, I will worry for her safety every day. But, I will not put up with a liar, a thief and a cheat taking advantage anymore. Especially after she's told all of us, every family member to F*** off.

Sad day. For all of us. It's been sad and hard for a long time. But it is sad that it's come to this.